Its 11:41 on the 23 just finished reading a old friends blog and listen to music. It was a good day for once but then it kinda just started going to shit like everyday. No its not because of someone, or really it has nothing to do with anyone but myself and not being able to deal with things. As i was sitting at my store, just sitting there playing freecell i just started thinking about what i have done with my life and wondering if there was anything that i could do to go back to the way it use to be when i really didn't have a care in the world. Maybe just start over from 6 years ago because that was really when i think it started going down hill, yeah i had some good times in between but most of the time i think i was just tryin to find myself. There has been some people that i have hurt in the past that i wish i could fix and for the most part i think most of them have just stopped thinking about it but for some reason i can't i know i will never be able to tell them how i really feel and what i think, and most of them well i don't think they would accept it if i tried. I have spent the past 6 years with one person and well it had its moments of good and bad people all just wonder why it lasted so long and i really don't know. i just don't know. there are people i know now that have changed to and its not that i am sayin its a bad thing but i just wish i would have spent more time with more people instead of putting my time to one. and now all i think about is what would have happened if i would have done things different would i have moved or would i have stayed. its hard to say but i have a lot of time on my hands to sit and think about these things. I have know a lot of people that they say they liked me at one point or another but i was with someone so nothing happened. i really never saw what most of them saw in me because well i just don't see myself as someone who people would like in that way. I think one of my biggest problems is that i just really have a hard time dealing with people caring for me because i always seem to fuck it up some how and well i just always have lots on my mind even when people think that i might not be as smart as i really am. I guess i just got really good at hidding how i feel or what i am thinking, i have been told that somepeople see right through me but really thats all they should see when lookin at me. I have been talkin about shit for like the last 20 minutes and none of it means anything but i just feel that no ones going to read this anyways so its doesn't hurt, and if they do i just wont use names. If i could do things over i would have said somethings to people that i really wanted to but just never could because i was afraid of what they would say and or i know nothing would have happened if i did. But what hurts the most is being so close and having so much to say and letting them walk away. Now i live in toronto because i need to pay of my bills and i just wasn't doing that in saskatoon. i was only suppose to be here a year and now its been a year and i just bought the computer store i was working at so now i just don't know what i am getting into. everytime i go home for a visit i realize how much i have given up. Even when i go home and see people i haven't seen in like years and then just leave again. Its hard i really don't feel like going out here for the reason that i know it was hard when i left saskatoon even for the year and i don't think i could do that here i just want to think that if i leave toronto it will be like i was never here. I sometimes think that theres something wrong with me and the fact that i think about things i have no control over but wish i did. Theres people that i would like to talk to more but know i can't because everyones moving on and thats great but i wish i could have been there for more of it. there was so much i missed even when i was living there i gave up so much to one person and sometimes i think that is was the wrong person but i couldn;t do anything about it. I had to stop talkin to somepeople that i really didn't want to because she didn't like them. and since i moved to toronto i have reallize that i don't need to deal with that i will do what i want when i wont, i only wish i would have reallized that years ago.

Theres nothing else i can think about right now or at least anything i feel like writen about
maybe one of these day

So not a lot has happens in the last few week for me work sleep drink that about it. But a few days a go i called up my bank because i thought i made a payment to one of my visa's but they said they had no record of it so thats all fine just means i have to pay more next time. but as i was talkin to the guy on the phone he told me that being that i had suck good credit that they were going to increase my visa limit so that was all good because i could always use more credit ;) anyways then he told me that i was aproved for a line of credit on my account which was even better because that meant i didn't have to go in to the bank to get a loan for the truck i want to buy. that made life a little easier so next month i am going to go buy a new truck because as much as i love my old one well its old as old as i am.. and it really doesn't run good maybe 0 km - 60 km in 3.5days and that if people help me push it. so i would really like a new one and now i can get it. but the fact that they gave me a line of credit was the cool part because thats all i need is more credit like i am not kindin i signed up for one visa like 6 years ago and since then people keep givin my credit cards its great but if you don't have the money to pay them back it could be a bitch. but its all go now because they are all mostly paid off so now all i will have to pay off is my new truck when i buy it YAY.

:)
alright later

I am beging to wonder why i am here. I live in toronto but i hate it and i would love to move home but really i don't think that would be the best things for me. Money is the only reason i am living here well and i need time to be alone. but really why. I went home the past week and had a blast, but the more i think about it now i wonder if people were only happy to see me because i would buy them a drink or so. I have started thinking that i write in here just to write it, i don't know if anyone reads it or not but for some reason i really just stopped carring. i have started listing to a really go song, by finger eleven called thousand mile wish its started making me think.

you know sometimes i think that my blog is as good as an email i would never send anyone. if you read it great if not well great i guess. save you from another person bitching about shit.

sometimes i wish i could have been a different person, one who didn't fuck up everyone he knew, even if i didn't i still feel i have.

living this life is hard even when i day it doesn't bother me sometimes it does and i just don't know what to do, but i know thats life you never know the shit you will come in contact with you just have to live through it and if you don't your just another problem.

So its been a while since I have written in my blog well maybe its because up to about a week ago nothing new really happened but past week has been so great I went home for a visit and well had a blast. The only thing that really sucked is everyone had work or school so for most of the mornin at least I just drove around to waste time. But as soon as someone was done I had something to do. Most of my visit was about drinking because I have fun drinking and it makes for good times. First night out drinking was 25 went to the overdrive because that has to be y fravate bar, it was fun didn't stay long because everyone had work or school so that was fine had a few drinks played some pool and danced. then up intill friday just did a lot of driving around and a little drinkin nothin to big just tried to see as many people as i could in a short time. friday night took my sister out to the overdrive she had never been there before so she had a blast. got her really drunk it was fun, did a lot of dancin that night also ran in to a lot of people i thought i would never see. people i knew a long time ago it was great. i always miss talkin to people so when i see them its great.

Saturday night i thought i would take it easy just went to a small pub for a few drinks, but that got borin so i went for a drink to the pat where i was meeting a good hot friend. but i think she knows who she is then i ran in to more people i knew. Oh yeah since i know at some point your going to read this you a good dancer :) i had a lot of fun. the only bad thing about saturday night was it was cold out and i had to help a freind set up his satilite. fuck was it cold. anyways back the the week so far. then came sunday well its sunday i was drivin like always. really can't remember what i did but i know that when ever i tried finding something to do with someone they all said the sundays a day of rest so i really didn't to much with anyone. went out with my brother for a few drinks after he was done work but thats about it. i think i just did alot drinkin this past week. if was great i wish i would have had more time or even just saw people for longer. i was always havin to run and for some reason with some of them after i saw them once it was really had to get a hold of the after. but tomorrow i am drinkin again so that will be fun and then i fly back to the hell hole i call home. anyways love you all.


Later