Its 11:41 on the 23 just finished reading a old friends blog and listen to music. It was a good day for once but then it kinda just started going to shit like everyday. No its not because of someone, or really it has nothing to do with anyone but myself and not being able to deal with things. As i was sitting at my store, just sitting there playing freecell i just started thinking about what i have done with my life and wondering if there was anything that i could do to go back to the way it use to be when i really didn't have a care in the world. Maybe just start over from 6 years ago because that was really when i think it started going down hill, yeah i had some good times in between but most of the time i think i was just tryin to find myself. There has been some people that i have hurt in the past that i wish i could fix and for the most part i think most of them have just stopped thinking about it but for some reason i can't i know i will never be able to tell them how i really feel and what i think, and most of them well i don't think they would accept it if i tried. I have spent the past 6 years with one person and well it had its moments of good and bad people all just wonder why it lasted so long and i really don't know. i just don't know. there are people i know now that have changed to and its not that i am sayin its a bad thing but i just wish i would have spent more time with more people instead of putting my time to one. and now all i think about is what would have happened if i would have done things different would i have moved or would i have stayed. its hard to say but i have a lot of time on my hands to sit and think about these things. I have know a lot of people that they say they liked me at one point or another but i was with someone so nothing happened. i really never saw what most of them saw in me because well i just don't see myself as someone who people would like in that way. I think one of my biggest problems is that i just really have a hard time dealing with people caring for me because i always seem to fuck it up some how and well i just always have lots on my mind even when people think that i might not be as smart as i really am. I guess i just got really good at hidding how i feel or what i am thinking, i have been told that somepeople see right through me but really thats all they should see when lookin at me. I have been talkin about shit for like the last 20 minutes and none of it means anything but i just feel that no ones going to read this anyways so its doesn't hurt, and if they do i just wont use names. If i could do things over i would have said somethings to people that i really wanted to but just never could because i was afraid of what they would say and or i know nothing would have happened if i did. But what hurts the most is being so close and having so much to say and letting them walk away. Now i live in toronto because i need to pay of my bills and i just wasn't doing that in saskatoon. i was only suppose to be here a year and now its been a year and i just bought the computer store i was working at so now i just don't know what i am getting into. everytime i go home for a visit i realize how much i have given up. Even when i go home and see people i haven't seen in like years and then just leave again. Its hard i really don't feel like going out here for the reason that i know it was hard when i left saskatoon even for the year and i don't think i could do that here i just want to think that if i leave toronto it will be like i was never here. I sometimes think that theres something wrong with me and the fact that i think about things i have no control over but wish i did. Theres people that i would like to talk to more but know i can't because everyones moving on and thats great but i wish i could have been there for more of it. there was so much i missed even when i was living there i gave up so much to one person and sometimes i think that is was the wrong person but i couldn;t do anything about it. I had to stop talkin to somepeople that i really didn't want to because she didn't like them. and since i moved to toronto i have reallize that i don't need to deal with that i will do what i want when i wont, i only wish i would have reallized that years ago.

Theres nothing else i can think about right now or at least anything i feel like writen about
maybe one of these day