well its been awhile since i am have writen in here... more then a year

so i feel broken inside and i can't explain it, its like a emptyness thats inside me about what i should do. I tend to think that have to be one way or say one thing when i know that i should say something different. I am hoping to go home next month, but i am bothered by worrie and sadness. The time in have lived here has been great but i still feel that i have thrown my life away but not doing what i want or saying what i think, aside from being an ass. Work has really been everything i can do to help people out that need it but it means i must be here and thats just not what i want. well thats all i have to say right now maybe more later.

I just got back from being back home, and well as much fun as i had. I cause more problems then i should have, its like everytime i go home i do nothing but cause problem which make me think why i go home.

i would like to say more but right now i am not in the right mind to so i leave you with this.
The world will always put things in your way to make you fight you way around, but remember its the way you fight that makes the person you are.

The past few weeks have been hard for me i have be trying to find the right thing to do about my life. Some people may say its and easy thing to do but it really isn't, the world is full of people that need you. Weather they look for you for money or guidence. People are why i haven't just gotten up and left everything behind, the pain, the happieness, the worrie. In the bigger picture of everything, everyone need someone in the end of it all. People are who they are but everyone need someone, even if its for a the moment.

People may think that i am broken inside... and i am not, i may have my problems ... but who doesn't. I live my life the way i wont, or at least the way people think i should, or am. I don't know where i will be in 10 years, but i hope i am happy. Happy with the way i am and everything i have done to get there. The things we do in this life weather we mean to or not are things we can't take back, all we can do is move forward, that is the lesson we all learn.

Well i dont know what else to say about anything reallly, i am a happy person and the world is a happy place, if people would stop be upset all the time everyone would see that.

i don't know why you like these blogs, theres never anything good in them. I am a not an interensting person .... never have anything to say. This blog is a waste of time, because theres so much in this world that i wish i could say... but i can't i don't know why......

Sometimes the pain i feel it hurts so much ... but then i think ... it hurts for everyone and i just hurt more for feeling this way. I can bitch about life and how bad it is but everyone knows that so whats makes anything about me bitchin about it any different.

there is so much i want to do in this world... but i just can't... because all i want to do is run.. just leave everything and i don't know. I have tried but there is to many people that depend on me to help them and i can't do that to them. I don't know why all this is coming out now, was fine all day everything was going good, but then i came home. its not my home.... i don't have one.

I don't really want to anyone to see anymore about me, i just want them to see me for what i let them, and even then i don't want them to see me.

I was thinkin today... were is my life going.... is it really were i want it to be... i don't want to be one of those people how regret things... but i feel that i am going that way. I am not sure what i want in my life yet i just know one thing ... i don't want to miss a minute of it. Sometimes people think that they are the be all and end all of someones life, but that not true really no one need anyone... life is just easier to live when you have someone to bounce shit off of.

Other then the small things i think about in the days i go though life with out a care.... for the most part it pisses some people off and i really don't know why, others wish the could be like me, but again i don't know why. Not care about things maybe be easier for some people but really if you don't care about things really what kind of life is that, but somethings i think that it make life that much better. see i have all these things going on in my head and all these things i have to take care, and i do. But sometimes i just want to be left alone, but i never have that. Theres always something i have to do, or something i have to be doing, but i just want to be me.

You know i know you read this but really i don't know why, i am a good person. Everyone knows that, but there is so much to me that i am and who i can be that people don't see. I don't talk about it and never will so i don't know what you are lookin to see in these blogs. I make it in this world because taking the easy way out isn't as easy anymore.

But thats all i have right now so you know what to do ... leave a message

what has the world come to... really.... i try to live my life as free of care as much but people really just can't let the be. I don't want to hear about how fucked up my family is... i know but i still love them and have to help them as much as i can. the world is not what you want it to be... but you can either cry about it or move on because really what can you do to change it. Why most people try and make you as unhappy as them really ..... like i don't know the world sucks and at some point you will have to face it, but right now i am happy with what i am doing and if i am not ... well thats my problem.. i am not bringin it on people so why must they try and bring it on me. I never wanted anything that i have but i deal with it in my own way.. why can't people just let that be. The world is a vampire that sucks everything out of you... even the happiest people are unhappy... but they found a way to deal with everything... why can't you just let that be. There is no one is this world that is kind.. its a lie, everything about it is.

ok bye

Well i got good news for anyone how reads this blog. I have booked a plane ticket home for a week in may. I feel excited but in the same sence i feel bad because everytime i come down to visit i realize everything i gave up and some for the better but most weren't. I feel the more i live here the more i feel empty. But i am looking forward to comin down because i well get a few days off from work which i need and because working is all i do, but i hope when i come down i will have more time to do the things i wants to last time but couldn't. I don't know why i am writen this no one reads it well then i am not going to go on if you want to know more message me

Chris